


Only the Cold Wind Wraps Around Us

by eightninetwo



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, M/M, Multi, Past Relationship(s), Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2019-12-29 20:40:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18301556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eightninetwo/pseuds/eightninetwo
Summary: It isn't just Infinite that Howon left behind the day he walked away. It's also Myungsoo, Sunggyu, and their love that was never meant to be infinite.





	Only the Cold Wind Wraps Around Us

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [kpopolymfics2019](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/kpopolymfics2019) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> **Nell – "Let’s Part"**  
> [lyrics](https://popgasa.com/2018/11/14/nell-lets-part-%ED%97%A4%EC%96%B4%EC%A7%80%EA%B8%B0%EB%A1%9C%ED%95%B4/) **|** [video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jsb-O-myTI0) **|** [supplementary](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/f3/c5/6b/f3c56bf258e40b16382368ffb993e8a4.jpg) \- [prompts](https://www.flickr.com/photos/passant_58/6772405425/)
> 
> \--
> 
> This fic was written for K-Pop Olymfics 2019 as part of Team Canon/AR/Future 1. Olymfics is a challenge in which participants write fics based on prompt sets and compete against other teams of writers, organized by genre. Competition winners are chosen by the readers, so please rate this fic using [this survey](https://forms.gle/QuFxhEoyaw9E2eUM7)!

The slight sway of the swing is in sync with the rhythm of the rain, and Myungsoo doesn’t know how much time he has lost since he curled up in the warmth of the yellow cushions. It’s his favourite place in Sunggyu’s apartment—a sofa bed with chains attached to a sturdy frame that sits between the kitchen and the living room—and this is where Myungsoo spends most of his free waking hours now.

It has been a week since it was officially announced that Howon was leaving the group, and probably a week more that they had known his decision to. Time was supposed to make things easier, but so far it hasn’t. Maybe Myungsoo just needs more time. That’s probably it.

He hears the front door opening, but doesn’t budge from his spot. The next thing he hears is a soft sigh, barely audible above the pitter-patter of the rain, but Myungsoo’s so used to the sounds in Sunggyu’s apartment that hardly anything escapes him.

“Did you eat yet?”

Myungsoo watches as Sunggyu gradually comes into sight. He stares up at the ceiling for a few more moments, avoiding Sunggyu’s eyes, then he shakes his head.

“You really have to stop doing this, Soo.”

Myungsoo shrugs half-heartedly.

Sunggyu sighs again, and it sounds louder this time. Myungsoo supposes it’s because he’s closer now.

“Do you want to talk about it?”Myungsoo grabs one of the loose cushions and covers his face with it.

“I take it as a no,” Sunggyu says. “Where’s Byeol?”

“I don’t know.” Myungsoo’s voice is muffled but the words are clear enough for Sunggyu to make out. “I fed him earlier.”

“Glad to know at least one of my cats is eating well.”

Myungsoo doesn’t need to see Sunggyu’s face to know he has that frown on it right now, the one expression that is a cross between worry and exasperation. He can’t tell if Sunggyu has gotten over it more quickly than everyone else because he had to, or if he has even gotten over it at all. Sunggyu’s always the strongest one out of all of them, mostly because he always thought he had to as their leader. Myungsoo knows him well enough to figure out he has a lot more fears hiding under that exterior, but when it comes to one Lee Howon, Myungsoo can’t tell at all.

Maybe it’s because this clouds Myungsoo’s emotions more than most other things. He can’t help it. Besides Sunggyu, the only other person who can affect Myungsoo this much is Howon.

And the only thing Myungsoo sees when he closes his eyes is Howon’s small, sad smile from the day he told them he’s done with his journey as a member of Infinite. He had said thank you to them, then sorry, and at some point Myungsoo couldn’t—didn’t want to—hear anything anymore. He vaguely remembers Sunggyu putting his arms around him, and the sound of Dongwoo sobbing. He hadn’t said anything because he didn’t trust himself to say anything without lashing out at Howon.

Myungsoo didn’t want to do that. Yeah, he was mad, even if he already saw it coming ages ago. Perhaps he had expected more from Howon. Maybe he thought he and Sunggyu meant more to Howon than long-forgotten dreams and lofty aspirations that had grown dimmer with each year that their company had stashed them away in favour of other groups, only to bring them out when the cash flow was tight. They reached their peak, and were left to fall.

It wasn’t that Myungsoo wanted to stay. Hell, it wasn’t like Sunggyu wanted to stay either. He only did because he felt obligated to as the leader of the group. And Myungsoo stayed because he can’t leave Sunggyu and the rest of them even for a chance of a better, brighter future. He just can’t. Especially not when Sunggyu always does the most just to keep them together, and keep Infinite as one.

But Howon left them, and Myungsoo can’t tell if everything they’ve had before was real anymore.

The rain has let up into a light drizzle by the time Myungsoo finds himself back in reality again. There’s the irony that they released a mini album titled _Reality_ a couple of years back, but the current reality is nowhere close to what it used to be then. Myungsoo blinks, dazed, and sees Sunggyu standing next to the swing.

“Huh?”

“I said, I heated up some food in the microwave for you,” Sunggyu holds out a hand at Myungsoo. He clicks his tongue when Myungsoo doesn’t take it after five seconds. “You need to eat, dummy.”

This successfully catches Myungsoo’s attention. He pouts at Sunggyu and grabs his hand more forcefully than he needed to. “I’m not a dummy,” he mutters once Sunggyu pulls him up.

Sunggyu just snorts, pushing him towards the dining table in the kitchen.

“I’m not,” Myungsoo insists.

“If you say so, baby.”

Myungsoo would have protested that too, since it is obvious Sunggyu didn’t mean it in a term of endearment kind of way but actually insinuating that he’s being childish, but he can’t find the strength to, so he’ll let it slide this time. He isn’t averse to this word, at least.

By the time Myungsoo has finished the food—it was instant pasta but he can’t complain—Sunggyu’s also done showering and he definitely looks ready to crash. Sunggyu’s hair is wet and sticking up in a million directions and he is rubbing at it aimlessly with his towel while dressed in a pair of boxers and a plain white tee several sizes too large for him. It’s a sight that’s more than familiar to Myungsoo. But it’s also one that’s usually paired with a shirtless Howon strutting around as if he owns the place.

That had become a regular occurrence ever since Sunggyu had gotten his own apartment. They never had to discuss whose place they should go to because it was always going to be Sunggyu’s. It’s still Sunggyu’s now, but only for Myungsoo.

When Howon left, he didn’t just leave Infinite. He left Sunggyu, Myungsoo, and a dark void in their lives.

“How are you okay with this?”

Sunggyu grunts, but doesn’t say a word.

Myungsoo is clearly dissatisfied with this response, so he snuggles up to Sunggyu and buries his face in the crook of his neck. It’s way past midnight now, and he knows all Sunggyu wants to do is sleep, but again, he can’t help it.

“Soo, please.”

“You’ve known him for so much longer, and loved him for so much longer,” Myungsoo presses, his voice low and breath hot against Sunggyu’s neck.

It makes Sunggyu shift a little, yet he still remains silent. It isn’t until Myungsoo starts whining that Sunggyu finally gives in.

“I’m not okay with this,” he admits, and Myungsoo isn’t the least surprised, of course. “But you know how he is, we can never keep him.”

The lump in Myungsoo’s throat grows, and he tries to swallow it as his breaths falter for a few moments. “He didn’t have to leave us too.”

Sunggyu glances at Myungsoo. Then he turns towards him and kisses his forehead before pulling him gently into his arms. “I don’t want to hold him back.”

The tears well up in Myungsoo’s eyes. He hates that this is the one year he finally got recognised for his acting skills, yet he can’t even keep his emotions in check. Granted there is only Sunggyu now and there is never a need for Myungsoo to hide anything from him, but Myungsoo just wishes he could be stronger. He doesn’t say any more and just presses his face into Sunggyu’s chest, where his tears get soaked up by the soft cotton of Sunggyu’s t-shirt.

“He’ll be okay,” Myungsoo hears him say, then in a softer voice, “We’ll be okay.”

Will they ever be, though?

 

The only good thing about it being Saturday when Myungsoo wakes up is that neither of them have schedules today. He’s not looking forward to his upcoming tour because he has to do it alone. It’s not that he can’t do it alone or anything, because Myungsoo is fully capable of handling a crowd himself, but right now he just doesn’t want to be without the others, especially Sunggyu.

For Sunggyu’s the only thing keeping him together right now.

At least there’s still a week to go before he has to start doing things himself. It sort of reflects the type of future he is stepping into with no more Howon. Granted he won’t exactly be alone, because he will always—hopefully—have Sunggyu, and the other four, but there will always be an emptiness.

Myungsoo hugs Sunggyu’s arm tighter and buries his face in the crook of his neck. Sunggyu’s still asleep, which isn’t surprising, and Myungsoo doesn’t mind. His presence is reassuring enough, even if Myungsoo used to be sandwiched between him and an extra warm Howon. He wonders if Howon misses them the way they miss him; misses Myungsoo the way Myungsoo misses him.

It’s probably unfair to want that much from Howon. After all, if Howon wants to move on, then he deserves to move on. He deserves a lot more than he has gotten in the past years.

There’s the rustle of soft feet padding on sheets, and the next thing Myungsoo knows, Byeol has curled up next to his head on the pillow. It’s not Howon, but Myungsoo is thankful. He’s thankful that he still has Sunggyu and Byeol to make him feel safe, and loved. In fact, he has so much to be thankful for. It’s just that it’s hard to.

Myungsoo presses a soft kiss to Sunggyu’s neck and murmurs, “Thank you, hyung.”

It doesn’t even take two seconds before Sunggyu stirs and drawls, without opening his eyes, “Go back to sleep, it’s too early.”

That makes Myungsoo smile. “You don’t even know what time it is.”

“I do, it’s time to sleep more.”

“Hyung—”

Sunggyu shushes him.

Byeol seems to be annoyed by their conversation that isn’t ceasing, because he steps onto Myungsoo’s face, across it, then makes himself comfortable right above Sunggyu’s head, with his tail on Sunggyu’s face.

“Ack!” Sunggyu starts flailing as he tries to sweep Byeol’s tail away. All he succeeds in doing is making Myungsoo laugh.

Byeol, however, has enough of Sunggyu and stalks away after walking across Sunggyu’s face intentionally.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Sunggyu yells.

“You, evidently,” Myungsoo chuckles.

“Shut up.”

“It’s funny.”

“Only because he’s stepping on my face.”

“He does that to me too but, yes.”

“I swear the both of you have an agenda against me.”

“That’s not true!” Myungsoo protests, “You know it’s just Howon hyung who—” He pauses abruptly mid-sentence, and wishes he can take back his words. But he can’t.

“Yeah, I know,” Sunggyu says, shrugging.

Sunggyu may have saved Myungsoo from a painful silence, but the Howon-shaped void in his heart still aches.

When Howon decided to leave, he packed up most of his things in Sunggyu’s apartment that night. But because there’s really quite a bit, he didn’t manage to take everything at once. He still left, anyway, telling Sunggyu—and Myungsoo—that he would be back for the rest. The next few times he came was when both Sunggyu and Myungsoo weren’t at home. It figures. Sunggyu had called it anyway, when Myungsoo started tearing up the moment the door closed that first night.

“I’ll see you guys around,” Howon had said.

“You won’t,” Sunggyu whispered as the lock clicks.

That was when Myungsoo’s tears began to stream down his face. Sunggyu just folded him gently into his arms and said, “He’ll be ready one day, we’ll see him again then.”

Myungsoo just didn’t expect Howon to really go to the extent of intentionally avoiding them. He had already taken all his things by the time the official announcement of him leaving was released to the press, and it was like Howon was never there before. That is, of course, only what it looks like. It’s easy to erase all evidence of him, physically, but not emotionally.

Everywhere Myungsoo looked, he saw the memories of the three of them, happy, and in love.

“Does he still love us?”

Sunggyu appears to be at a loss for words. He just stares at the ceiling for a while, before turning to Myungsoo and kissing his forehead.

“Do you think he still loves us?”

“I…” Sunggyu shakes his head a little and shrugs, “I hope so.”

“Then why was it so easy for him?”

“We don’t know that.”

Myungsoo watches Sunggyu’s face. He expects Sunggyu to look resigned, or maybe disappointed, but instead, he seems annoyed when he said that. Myungsoo can’t really tell if Sunggyu is annoyed with him, or himself, or Howon. Perhaps all three. He wants to say something, but he doesn’t know what to say at this point.

Sunggyu sighs now, pushing his hair back and leaning back against the pillow. “For all we know, it could be as hard for him as it is for us.”

“He made it look so easy.”

Sunggyu turns to Myungsoo again and grins. It’s a small smile that has more sadness in it than anything else. “That’s definitely a hundred percent Lee Howon for you.”

Myungsoo can’t disagree with that. Howon is more headstrong than Sunggyu, and that says a lot. He hides his true emotions behind a mask—maybe that’s why he was in that one drama—and sarcasm. That’s probably why he connected with Sunggyu so easily back then, when it used to be just the two of them. They’re so alike, and in a way Myungsoo supposes he’s screwed from the start since his type is, well, them.

Sunggyu was the only one who could peel away the layers of defence Howon has around himself. He had peeled away those layers so carefully, and what was under all of them is—was—the Howon who loves—loved—them as much as they love him. Myungsoo loves him, and maybe he hates that he does. After everything Sunggyu had done for him, there could have been so many ways to return that love to him, even if Sunggyu doesn’t expect anything in return.

So maybe Myungsoo is angry. But he thinks it’s not because of himself. He’s angry on behalf of Sunggyu. Yes, that has to be it.

Sunggyu is hardly an angel, but to Myungsoo, he may as well be one. He doesn’t need to be the definition of an angel to be one for Myungsoo. And Myungsoo knows that’s exactly what he is for Howon too. Whatever Sunggyu is for him, he is for Howon. That’s why the both of them—maybe just one of them now—are so in love with him.

Howon didn’t think about them at all, did he? He was just thinking for himself, about himself. If he truly cared about them, he wouldn’t have done this.

Myungsoo can’t dispute the fact that what Sunggyu said about not holding Howon back is right either, but even so, that doesn’t mean Howon had the right to abandon them. Or did he?

“Are you not even a little bit angry?”

“I really can’t say that I’m not, babe,” Sunggyu says, “It’s just…”

Myungsoo glances at him with brows slightly raised.

“I don’t know, it’s complicated.”

“Is it really so complicated, hyung?”

Sunggyu frowns, looking worried as he turns to Myungsoo. “Soo..?”

Myungsoo flops onto his side, then he buries his face in the pillow and pulls up the covers so he’s completely hidden.

There’s a couple of soft taps on his back. Myungsoo assumes Sunggyu’s just blindly patting the lump in the covers. He whines and refuses to emerge.

“Yah, Kim Myungsoo.”

“Go away.”

Sunggyu remains silent for a while, and for a moment, Myungsoo panics. What if Sunggyu actually took him seriously and left him alone? Maybe he would think Myungsoo needed some time alone again and just leave him be. Myungsoo doesn’t actually want that. If he could have his way all the time, he would choose to stick by Sunggyu’s side all day, all night, and forever. There’s no other way he can see himself getting through this.

If there’s even any way he can see himself getting through this.

It shouldn’t be so hard. It isn’t like he’s been in love with Howon his entire life. It was just six years. Six years out of twenty-five that he’s been alive isn’t even close to a quarter of his life so far. Yet it was the longest relationship he’s been in. And the only one that has changed him in so many ways that Myungsoo can’t even start to count. That’s why, he realises, that’s why it’s this hard.

No one ever mattered this much to him until Sunggyu and Howon.

“I hate him,” Myungsoo says, barely audible.

Sunggyu hears it anyway. “I do, too,” he says quietly in response.

Myungsoo doesn’t expect to hear that from Sunggyu. He hasn’t had a single upset reaction—at least outwardly—since that day. He had stood by everyone, even Howon, while all of them cried or yelled. Or walked out, in Howon’s case. Sunggyu had been trying to reassure Myungsoo all this time, too.

He gradually pushes the covers down and peeks out at Sunggyu.

“I don’t want to, but I can’t help it,” Sunggyu says softly. “I understand his reasons for doing that, but everything you’ve said so far, everything you’ve asked me, I feel the same to be honest.”

It just makes Myungsoo angrier. Except now, on top of the angry feelings about Howon, he’s angry with himself too. He had known Sunggyu has been putting on a strong front, but he didn’t know the extent to which he is doing so. He had known it had to be devastating for Sunggyu, even if the man had been a pillar of strength for them, but Myungsoo hadn’t done anything about it.

“You said you wished we meant more to him,” Sunggyu continues, “I do too.”

Myungsoo can feel the threat of tears, and he desperately tries to blink them away. There’s only Sunggyu here, and no one else to judge him, but Myungsoo doesn’t want to cry anyway. He’s so tired of crying over Howon. It seems to be all he’s been doing lately.

“We all had dreams, didn’t we?”

Myungsoo shuffles closer and hugs Sunggyu’s arm, hoping that could give him the encouragement he can’t put into words. Sunggyu has been his pillar for so long, the least Myungsoo could do now is to let him have his turn at pouring his heart out. It isn’t healthy to keep all these emotions unsaid. Yet that is what Sunggyu has been doing for so, so long.

“He’s been drifting away from us for a while now, you know that too.”

Myungsoo does. That doesn’t mean he wants to acknowledge it.

“At some point I figured the only thing we can do, eventually, is to let him go. He has always been too ambitious, there was no way he would be truly happy if he stayed.” Sunggyu shrugs, then adds with a small smile, “That’s why he’s Slytherin, you know. He always had ambitions far higher than ours.”

Sunggyu’s right. Myungsoo never really thought about it like that before, but now it makes perfect sense. Howon knew what he wanted, and he was never going to let anything stand in his way or hold him back. It wasn’t their place to keep him from growing, from going after his dreams. Whether he reaches them or not is not the point anyway, as long as he could try.

Woollim was never going to let him try any longer. While Infinite never truly ended, they all knew that they’ve reached the point in their career, as Infinite, where the only way for them to go is downhill. They’ve peaked. It had been a great experience, one that altered all of their lives, for better or for worse. Now it’s time for them to move on.

Granted, not everyone moved on. Sunggyu definitely didn’t. And neither did the other five of them. Only Howon did. It’s not that Myungsoo blames him for it. He doesn’t. He really doesn’t. At least that’s what he tells himself. It’s also what Sunggyu has been telling him, so it has to be the right thing to do.

“What if all of us didn’t renew our contracts?” Myungsoo asks. “What if we all left with him?”

“And do what, Soo?”

“I don’t know— there has to be some label out there that could accommodate us.”

“And what can they do for us?”

“I don’t— I don’t know,” Myungsoo admits. “What if you talked to Nell hyungs? Maybe Space Bohemian could make space for us?”

“We’re not exactly their kind of thing,” Sunggyu says, shaking his head. “I thought about that too, and I’m sure Jongwan hyung would take us in if it came to that, but it wouldn’t be fair to them.”

Sunggyu’s right, again. He’s always right. Maybe that’s why he is a born leader, the one perfect for them and their mismatched personalities.

“What if we started our own label?”

Sunggyu looks at Myungsoo sadly, but not without a hint of amusement. “Babe, it’s not that easy.”

“But, financially speaking, we can do it, right? We can make it happen.”

“Then it wouldn’t be fair to sajangnim either.”

“I know you’re the closest to him, hyung, but what about us?” Myungsoo knows he’s not being reasonable, but some things have to be said. He’s been thinking about it for a long time, he just never found the right time to bring it up until now. “The company let us down just when we started to make it big, is that fair to us?”

“It’s not that simple, Soo.”

“You say that about everything, hyung! But is it really?” Myungsoo’s voice is growing louder, and he has to take a deep breath to keep himself in check. “We were all going to have to enlist at some point, but they started shutting us out way before that. We could’ve been doing great things, hyung, but our _One Great Step_ was just that—one step. They let us take that first step, and that was all we ever could.”

Sunggyu sighs.

Myungsoo knows that Sunggyu knows he’s right. They all knew, long ago, that they were never going to go higher.

And it wasn’t because they are inadequate, not even because they were becoming irrelevant. They weren’t. They were more than good enough to take on any kind of challenges the k-pop industry threw at them. People wanted idols who wrote their own songs? Well, most of them do. People wanted idols who are proud of their Korean heritage? Well, they’ve shown how k-pop can do that when they released _The Chaser_. People wanted idols who have a deep bond? Infinite has always had that, and it was plain to see. People wanted idols who can sing live and do intense choreography at the same time? They have already shown it with their 99.9% synchronised choreography and Sunggyu’s unfaltering live vocals that they can always rely on.

They have always been more than enough.

They could have done so much more if they weren’t kept away.

“I didn’t want to turn my back on the people who made me what I am.”

“Aren’t we also a part of that?” Myungsoo says.

Sunggyu sighs. “I would never have met you—or Howon—if none of us joined Woollim.”

Fuck that for being true. In a way, Myungsoo should feel so lucky. Perhaps, if he had been in another company, he wouldn’t even have reached the heights he had climbed up to with Infinite. And he definitely wouldn’t have met Sunggyu and Howon so soon. If they were meant to be together, though, they might have met anyway, but they wouldn’t have gone through so much together. And that mattered, a lot.

“Why do you always have to be right?”

Sunggyu grins a little now. “Because I’m your hyung, and leader.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Myungsoo rolls his eyes.

“I get where you’re coming from, though,” Sunggyu says, “I wish I could take us all away so we can still be seven.”

“Do you think Howon wishes that too?”

“Probably,” Sunggyu shrugs.

“Do you think there’s a possibility for us to be seven again in the future?” Then Myungsoo lowers his voice when he adds, “For us to be three again?”

Sunggyu responds by kissing the top of Myungsoo’s head. That’s all that Myungsoo gets from him before he slides out of bed.

Myungsoo purses his lips. Sunggyu really is going out of his way to avoid answering that question. Does it actually mean he has an answer he just doesn’t want to share? Myungsoo will probably never find out, but he’ll always believe that Sunggyu would have said yes, that there will always be a possibility, if they were meant to be.

Sunggyu’s already back in bed by the time Myungsoo is done brushing his teeth and washing up—as expected.

“I ordered fried chicken,” he announces.

“For breakfast?” Myungsoo judges.

“To be fair, it’s already three in the afternoon.”

“I’m glad you know that, baby.”

Sunggyu grins and shrugs. “It’s never too late to be awake, and never too early for chimaek.” As an afterthought, he says, “I think chimaek helps, too.”

“Helps what?”

“Make you feel happier.”

“Do I want to, though?” Myungsoo snorts.

“Yes, you do,” Sunggyu says sternly.

“Okay, I do, but can I, though?”

“Yes, Soo, we all can.”

Myungsoo doesn’t know if he hated his company to the extent that he would leave the other six members, if it came down to that. He doesn’t know if he would have the strength to do it, like Howon did. He doesn’t know if he would have the courage to do it, like Howon had. And most importantly, perhaps, Myungsoo doesn’t know if he would have had the heart to do it.

“Hyung?”

“Hmm?”

“Would you have done it, though, if it were you?”

Sunggyu hesitates for a moment, then shakes his head. “I can’t leave you guys like that, you know I can’t.”

That’s Sunggyu’s sense of obligation as their leader speaking, and Myungsoo already knows that. He supposes it’s always going to be the deciding factor in all of the choices Sunggyu makes regarding Infinite, so there’s not much of a point in wondering if he’d change anything if he wasn’t the leader. He _is_ the leader, and that’s one thing that will never change.

“I do,” Myungsoo says. “Do you ever wish you could?”

“Soo,” Sunggyu meets his gaze as his tone turns sombre, “Nothing in this world can ever make me leave you guys. I made my decision when I became a part of Infinite.”

The thing is, with so, so many people who are a part of groups, they all like to say that they’ll never leave their groups, that they will always be a family and never part. But for so many of them, they were just empty words. Promises of being in the same group forever are always broken. How many can say that they’ve kept their word? Myungsoo honestly doesn’t think most people can.

In a way, it’s unfortunate that they are still sticking together despite everything. Perhaps their fans can say it’s fortunate because when it really came down to such a hard decision, they stayed together as a group—or, at least most of them did. But Myungsoo doesn’t find it fortunate at all.

If they had any kind of good fortune, they must have all used it up during their first ever world tour. They had done great things then, and achieved what few have ever. They had endorsed Samsung, toured the States, performed at Billboard, filmed their music video in a studio lot in LA—for a k-pop group back then, those were great achievements.

And then they were just history.

If they had any kind of good fortune, it was never for them to be together forever.

To be honest, perhaps Myungsoo was never hoping for forever to be a reality. He just didn’t think their forever would end so early. None of them are even due to be enlisted yet, at least not for now. Sunggyu would be the first, anyway, but he has a year or perhaps a little less. The rest of them were supposed to have held the group together and keep Infinite as Infinite when Sunggyu had to be away.

But Infinite was never meant to be infinite.

Myungsoo would have still chosen to be a part of Infinite if he could go back in time. There was no question about it. There is nothing he would rather be than Infinite. They’ve given him so much, and most importantly, they gave him Sunggyu, and Howon. Where exactly had things gone so wrong with Howon?

The truth is, nothing had gone wrong. Not between the three of them, at least.

A part of Myungsoo has always known that. It’s just that he kept thinking about what he could have done better, as if he had done anything wrong. He hasn’t. Neither has Sunggyu. None of them have. People grow apart because of different dreams and different goals in life. Howon grew apart from them because he can’t truly be happy until he can chase the dream he has always wanted to. The dream he dropped out of school for. The dream that is obsolete if he stays in Infinite, if he stays with them.

Myungsoo knows they never had a choice, that they never had a say in Howon’s decisions, but even if they had, it would still have been the right decision to let him go.

Sunggyu’s right, they can’t hold him back, especially if he’s not happy. They shouldn’t, anyway. They all deserve the best, and Howon does too. There would never have been a point if he forced himself to stay with the group and with them if he had to sacrifice his happiness for it. Perhaps what they had would be enough.

Perhaps the memories would be enough. They have to be. Myungsoo is no longer the child who had his heart broken way too easily and spent too much time wallowing in despair. The love they had would be enough. At least he could say that they’ve truly loved, and maybe that’s what matters. They’ve gone through too much together for Myungsoo to ever hate Howon. He probably will for a while, but that feeling will fade with time. It’s the love they had that matters.

“I really love him, hyung,” Myungsoo confesses, belatedly realising that his voice is shaking, that he is shaking.

“I do too, Myungsoo,” Sunggyu whispers, and gently envelopes Myungsoo in his arms.

Myungsoo clings to Sunggyu, then the tears come. He’s lost count of the number of times he’s cried like this because of Howon, but one day, one day it’ll stop.

“I love you, Soo,” Sunggyu says now, sounding a little choked up too.

“I love you so much, hyung.”

“I will always love you, baby.”

Myungsoo knows. It’s also something Howon has never said before. It had always just been “I love you”, “I love you so much”, but there was never any promise, never any mention of the future. It was over way before Howon announced that he was leaving. Myungsoo just never realised it until now.

The last few months had been desperate, like Myungsoo’s been trying to hold on to something that is struggling to escape his grasp. Myungsoo sees that now. Letting go, both physically and emotionally, is the only solution.

 

It’s been two months since the day Howon left. Myungsoo isn’t keeping count. Not really. The last traces of fall are still clinging on in the form of yellow leaves, and Myungsoo has been watching them begin to heap on the streets outside Sunggyu’s window.

Between Myungsoo and Sunggyu’s various fanmeetings in the past two months, they haven’t had that much time to spend with each other. In a way, it wasn’t that bad because throwing himself into work meant that Myungsoo can’t keep drowning himself in the pain.

He has been looking forward to winter because it meant more time to spend with Sunggyu. November isn’t a particularly busy month, even though Sunggyu will still have to be away for a weekend for just one more fanmeeting. Myungsoo can handle one weekend. He’s been through more without him. And he’s already been through so many without Howon.

They are all called into the office on one day early November, and told they get to release their third full-length album in January. The title track hasn’t been decided yet, but the candidates are already out. The demo tracks aren’t very _Infinite_ , but this is their first comeback without Howon anyway. Are they still Infinite?

They are, according to Sunggyu, because as long as he’s there holding them together and keeping the name alive, they’ll always be Infinite.

Myungsoo’s sitting alone in the corner of the dance studio when he’s given the lyrics and parts of their title track. Then he cries for a good five minutes until Sunggyu rushes in. Sunggyu doesn’t even say anything, he just hugs Myungsoo’s head to his chest and keeps him wrapped him until the crying gradually softens into sobs.

It isn’t because he doesn’t have that many lines in the song—he’s already used to that. But it’s that the entire song just screams Howon. Every single line is about Howon. It’s a typical dance pop track, but it’s about Howon and Myungsoo doesn’t know how he’s going to do it without crying. The actor part of him tells him he can, but he doesn’t think his heart can take it.

The thing is, Myungsoo has been working on some lyrics on his own for a while now, every time Sunggyu isn’t around, he puts his emotions into words. He doesn’t know if he will ever get to release it as a song, but it’s something he’s always wanted to do anyway. He just hates that it’s Howon’s departure that served as his biggest inspiration.

Perhaps it’ll fit on the album.

“Hyung?”

“Our title track—” Myungsoo stops abruptly, not knowing how to continue.

“Yeah?”

“Actually, never mind that, I need to show you something,” Myungsoo says, and brings his notebook to Sunggyu.

Sunggyu reads quietly, and doesn’t say anything for a long while.

“It’s just a rough draft, I’m sure our producers can fine-tune it more—” Then Myungsoo realises Sunggyu is crying.

And— Sunggyu doesn’t cry. It takes a lot for him to cry. He always says it’s because of his dry eyes, but Myungsoo knows he’s just ridiculously stubborn. Myungsoo has never seen anyone as headstrong as Sunggyu. Except Howon, but Howon always lets his emotions show despite his attempts not to.

“I’m— Hyung,” Myungsoo starts, sounding a little panicked, “Hyung…”

Sunggyu waves him off and wipes his tears away with the back of his hands. “I’m fine.”

“You’re crying.”

“Yeah, it’s just,” Sunggyu punctuates with a sniff, “I think it’s great. You should submit it.”

So Myungsoo does, and in the next few weeks, while waiting for approval, they’re given the other completed songs to work on and record.

Myungsoo finds himself crying almost all the time during recording sessions, and Dongwoo and Woohyun always have to console him if Sunggyu’s not around. He can’t help it. He really can’t. Every single song seems to be dedicated to Howon. He’s not even trying, they just are, and it’s plain and obvious for all of them.

“I’ll be the one hurting, so please be happy,” Sunggyu sings in _Why Me_ while Myungsoo sits outside the recording studio in tears. Then his last line goes, “How much more do I have to hurt to forget you? But I still don’t want to forget you yet.”

Honestly, Myungsoo doesn’t even have to try.

 _No More_ isn’t any better. Sunggyu’s first lines are “Wherever I look, it’s you, I can’t erase you” and that’s immediately followed by Myungsoo’s line, “Your thick scent remains like a stain.” Doesn’t it? Isn’t it all so true? Are these not what they’ve been feeling this whole time because of Howon?

Perhaps at some point, Myungsoo grows numb. He’s been listening to _Tell Me_ over and over again at dance practise, with only Dongwoo guiding him whenever he’s on his own, instead of Howon. Myungsoo loves Dongwoo and appreciates him a lot, but it’s just different. He misses when Howon would call out Sunggyu’s mistakes with too much snark, and then they would start bickering, and Myungsoo would just laugh at them until they get him involved in a tussle. Those always ended up with intense kisses, if not more.

“I miss you so much, I can’t take it anymore. Please come back to me again, please come back to me again.” The words repeat in his mind over and over. It’s only when he stops for a rest when they mean something to him again. Myungsoo doesn’t realise he’s spacing out until Dongwoo puts his hand on his shoulder.

Myungsoo glances up at him and smiles in an attempt to reassure him that he’s okay, even if he’s not really okay. Not entirely, anyway.

“Gyu hyung will be back soon,” Dongwoo says.

Myungsoo nods, too tired—emotionally—to say anything else. He’s also afraid if he tries to say something he would just end up bursting into tears, and Myungsoo’s also too tired—physically—for that. Dongwoo offers him a hug and Myungsoo clings on for dear life while biting back tears.

When Sunggyu returns, it’s also the day his lyrics are given the green light by the company with some revisions. And they also drop the news that he’ll be doing it as a solo, while Dongwoo and Sungjong would be working on their own solo tracks as well.

“This is amazing, Soo,” Sunggyu gushes.

“Thanks, hyung.”

“You’re going to do great, my anime baby main vocal.”

“Hey!” Myungsoo protests, and pushes at Sunggyu, even though he knows the man is just teasing. Sunggyu has told him time and again how good his singing has gotten, and how proud he is of him for having improved so much. He’s definitely come a long way since his anime voice days, and he knows that.

Sunggyu just laughs in response.

 

Myungsoo’s solo track is titled _Reminisce_ , and when their album finally drops, Myungsoo desperately hopes Howon would listen to it and know how much he—they—miss him. He hasn’t spoken to Howon since the day he walked out, but Sunggyu has.

Evidently Howon had lost his phone, so he changed his number. But he didn’t give Myungsoo or the rest of them his number, so Myungsoo doesn’t want it, even though Sunggyu has it. Dongwoo did too, but Myungsoo also turned him down when he offered to give it to him.

If Howon really wanted to talk to him, he would find a way, especially since he’s obviously in contact with Sunggyu.

But Sunggyu hasn’t really spoken to him in the past few months either, with the exception of sending a good luck text to Howon for his musical in December. That’s a month ago. And Myungsoo knows because Sunggyu had told him.

Myungsoo likes to think that by now, after all those tears, he’s pretty much done with the whole Howon thing. He’s had his fill of blaming himself, of blaming Howon, of regretting not having done more, of being mad at Howon, of being in constant pain emotionally—he thinks he’s ready to put all that behind him now. Writing his solo song, then recording it, and listening to himself sing the words has been cathartic.

He can let Howon go. There was never a point in trying to hold him back, but now Myungsoo is ready to let go of him.

 

Winter comes and goes in a flash. It’s spring now, and Myungsoo’s ecstatic because Sunggyu’s finally going to have his first ever solo concert. They’ve been waiting for it for years. Myungsoo supposes it’s a reward for Sunggyu for keeping Infinite alive, and well, Sunggyu’s not complaining. If there’s one good thing that came out of not quitting, it’s probably this.

The two of them head out to celebrate after hearing the news, and there’s nothing Myungsoo likes more than clinging to Sunggyu’s arm as they stroll along Hangang at Yeouido Park. It’s the one thing that’s been a constant for so many years, and while their circumstances have changed, the one thing that hasn’t is that the both of them are still together, and in love.

Myungsoo’s happy. He’s happy because of Sunggyu, even if he can’t see Sunggyu’s face right now because of the mask he’s wearing and the hood that fits snugly around his head.

“Do you want a drink or something?”

Myungsoo shrugs and nods at the same time.

Sunggyu raises a brow.

“I mean, yeah, sure,” Myungsoo grins, even if it isn’t visible behind his mask either.

“Okay, babe, you wanna take a seat at one of the benches up ahead and wait for me?”

Myungsoo would rather walk with Sunggyu, but he takes up Sunggyu’s suggestion anyway. Sunggyu probably just wants to sit since they’ve already been walking for quite a while after having finished dinner.

So Myungsoo takes the first empty bench he can find, and sits towards the middle so no one would share it. He’s just watching the lights from the street lamps glinting off the slow ripples on the river when someone sits next to him.

Myungsoo turns, smiling, because he’s expecting Sunggyu. Then his face falls the moment the man pulls down his mask.

“Hey.” It’s Howon.

Myungsoo doesn’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call or text.”

It takes so much of Myungsoo to not do the first thing he wants to—yell at Howon. He clenches his jaw and remains silent. He hasn’t pulled down his mask so Howon can’t see his whole face.

“I’m sorry, Myungsoo, I wish it didn’t have to come to this.”

“Take care of yourself, hyung,” Myungsoo forces the words out of his mouth. It’s the most civil thing he can say right now. _I hope you’re happy_ , Myungsoo thinks. “I hope you’ll be happy,” Myungsoo says.

The both of them let the silence lapse for a while, and Myungsoo just wants Sunggyu to be back next to him already.

“I hope the same for you,” Howon says, and he probably knows Myungsoo doesn’t want to talk, so he stands to leave. There’s a slight pause, then Howon continues in a softer voice, “I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to hurt any of you.”

Myungsoo lowers his head as he nods. “I know,” he hears himself saying, “Just go and be happy.”

Then Myungsoo doesn’t hear anything anymore, because the tears are spilling just like they have been all the times he thought about Howon. The last thing he sees through his tears is Howon walking away. Then Myungsoo doesn’t know how long he’s been sobbing, or when Sunggyu even found him and held him.

 

It’s over. It’s truly over now. Myungsoo knows. He hugs Sunggyu so tight that night, and Sunggyu keeps him close. None of them talk about it, but both of them know exactly how the other is feeling. They’re letting go of Howon now.

 

_We already shed too many tears_   
_And it’ll be like that for a while_   
_So let’s just leave it at this_

_This is it_

_Because I already miss you_   
_‘Cause I already miss you_

**Author's Note:**

> Title from: Infinite - [Between You and Me](https://popgasa.com/2015/07/12/infinite-standing-facing-each-other-%EB%A7%88%EC%A3%BC-%EB%B3%B4%EB%A9%B0-%EC%84%9C-%EC%9E%88%EC%96%B4/)
> 
> Lyrics references:   
>  Infinite - [Tell Me](https://popgasa.com/2018/01/08/infinite-tell-me/)   
>  Infinite - [Why Me](https://popgasa.com/2018/01/26/infinite-why-me-%EC%99%9C-%EB%82%A0/)   
>  Infinite - [No More](https://popgasa.com/2018/01/25/infinite-no-more/)   
>  L (Myungsoo) - [Reminisce](https://popgasa.com/2018/01/26/infinite-l-solo-reminisce-%EC%A7%80%EB%82%9C-%EB%82%A0/)   
>  Nell - [Let's Part](https://popgasa.com/2018/11/14/nell-lets-part-%ED%97%A4%EC%96%B4%EC%A7%80%EA%B8%B0%EB%A1%9C%ED%95%B4/)
> 
> I also made a mood playlist that can be found [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/bubblexcha/playlist/2h1OTJ21t0TE4il8g21z4r?si=m-QlSnTlSg2FBVLEhc06kg). This has been particularly tough to get through bc I haven't done anything really angsty in a long time, so shoutout to my Ifnt/Gyusoo/Gyusooya friends!! You know who you are!! Especially J!! And thank you to G and Z for the support, and of course, to the Howon to my Gyu, for always putting up with me being long-winded while yelling about this fic lmao. Last but not least, thank you everyone who sprinted with me on discord!! And CF1, WE MADE IT. /pats on backs all around/


End file.
